I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
