I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Drunk is not a location!
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
