i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
