I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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