it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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