At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
