I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
