Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
Randomize
