My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We left an ass print on the piano.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
