I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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