Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
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