halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
