You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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