Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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