Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Randomize
