so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Girls should come with a carfax report
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
