3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
