he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
