Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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