So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
