I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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