I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
