At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
