i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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