he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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