if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
