i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
