my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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