This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
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