when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Randomize
