Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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