Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
false alarm. still invincible.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
