some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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