I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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