He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Operation Purity has been aborted
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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