I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
