I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
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