I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
