I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
