It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
