the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
