This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
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