I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
