You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
