i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
