Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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