Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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