u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
