We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
