living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
operation harelip BJ is a go
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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