I just saw a hot homeless man
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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